The past week has been one of
work. Just honest hardcore missionary work. As my friend ex-elder Seth Sorenson
would say, "When you work like that, at the end of the day you feel like a
cowboy." It's true, by the time you're done, you're pooped. I'm trying to
figure out how to mold both methods of work.
I'd like to share something
with you that I sent to my mission president this week.
"I've really been having difficulty connecting myself to the work. I'm not trunky. I'm not "checked out." I'm just having a hard time putting myself in the work with a vision of WHY I'm doing it. Intellectually I understand, but it's not really emotionally connecting, as a result, the Spirit hasn't been as close as I would hope. I think this is a normal thing, if the rest of my mission is a judge. You aren't always driven by super-human power that pushes you to do incredible things. I've really been searching within myself---having to dig deep to just do it. Waking up on time, being obedient, etc. haven't been a problem, don't worry. But I think I have Elder K a little concerned because of some of the symptoms, I suppose of my struggles. Things like forgetting my watch, and not caring enough to grab it, and then being in an appointment for too long. Oh well, I'm going to keep searching, keep working, and keep trying for as long as it takes.
I had a chance to speak to the ward yesterday in Sacrament meeting. When I got there, I was only going to need to fill 10-15 minutes. As advised, I had prepared, but I hadn't come really with anything super specific, so that God could really do the speaking, and not me. Well, when I stood to speak I had 35 minutes to fill. That was a little intimidating, but not impossible by God's reckoning, I'm sure. So, I spoke for between 20-25 minutes and honestly felt like I had said everything I needed to. I testified and sat down, and the bishop called on a member to speak. She did an incredible job and said exactly what needed to be said in addition to everything that had already gone around.
My point of the story is simply that I know that God knows best. Sometimes the things we do can be very intimidating and difficult---scary even. But, if we will simply open our mouths, we can have the confidence that God will, and does fill them. He never leaves us alone or helpless. It's a lesson I've learned again and again.
I sure do love Him.... and I'm really trying... even though I fail a lot, I'm not going to give up. Ever."
"I've really been having difficulty connecting myself to the work. I'm not trunky. I'm not "checked out." I'm just having a hard time putting myself in the work with a vision of WHY I'm doing it. Intellectually I understand, but it's not really emotionally connecting, as a result, the Spirit hasn't been as close as I would hope. I think this is a normal thing, if the rest of my mission is a judge. You aren't always driven by super-human power that pushes you to do incredible things. I've really been searching within myself---having to dig deep to just do it. Waking up on time, being obedient, etc. haven't been a problem, don't worry. But I think I have Elder K a little concerned because of some of the symptoms, I suppose of my struggles. Things like forgetting my watch, and not caring enough to grab it, and then being in an appointment for too long. Oh well, I'm going to keep searching, keep working, and keep trying for as long as it takes.
I had a chance to speak to the ward yesterday in Sacrament meeting. When I got there, I was only going to need to fill 10-15 minutes. As advised, I had prepared, but I hadn't come really with anything super specific, so that God could really do the speaking, and not me. Well, when I stood to speak I had 35 minutes to fill. That was a little intimidating, but not impossible by God's reckoning, I'm sure. So, I spoke for between 20-25 minutes and honestly felt like I had said everything I needed to. I testified and sat down, and the bishop called on a member to speak. She did an incredible job and said exactly what needed to be said in addition to everything that had already gone around.
My point of the story is simply that I know that God knows best. Sometimes the things we do can be very intimidating and difficult---scary even. But, if we will simply open our mouths, we can have the confidence that God will, and does fill them. He never leaves us alone or helpless. It's a lesson I've learned again and again.
I sure do love Him.... and I'm really trying... even though I fail a lot, I'm not going to give up. Ever."
You know, God didn't always
promise that this life was going to be full of roses, but rather that he would
equip us with the tools we needed to work through mistakes, suffering, and
struggles we would endure. The promise he gave us, to strengthen us even so
that we could not feel their burdens on our backs (see Mosiah 24:12-17). I
don't want you to think that I'm some wise, all knowing, mature missionary who
has the answers to every life question. I struggle. Often, but you know---I
just can't find it in myself to ever give up. He didn't give up on me. So, yes
it can be hard. And maybe I can struggle to be happy, positive, or motivated
sometimes. And honestly, I don't know what you'll all think when you meet me
again once I'm home... but what I know is that I will not stop trying to just
be good, in the best way that I know how, and hopefully that will lead me to
love more deeply, speak more purely, and all in all, be better than I've ever
been before.
I know that Christ lives and
that He loves us. He always keeps his promises.
So, Believe Him. Rock on. and
you will have
Peace, love, and temple
marriage. Probably in that order. :)
Elder Taylor J. Hill
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